I have felt God calling me to be a pastor since I was 14 years old. After my parent’s divorce when I was in ninth grade, my mom could see that the depression and anger were taking over, so she pushed me to start attending a youth group at a local church. I did not want to go at all, so I resisted. That first Wednesday night I felt a mixture of emotions coming into the church because I was angry at God for allowing the divorce to happen. That night I met Pastor Jon, the youth pastor of the church. Pastor Jon spoke about God’s presence during suffering. As Pastor Jon’s words sank in, I realized a connection between his sermon and what I was going through. Words from the Bible, which I had shut-out, perfectly articulated, and brought to life a perspective I hadn’t been able to see before. I felt a sense of calmness. My nervousness and unwilling desire to be at church started to finally melt away. I was able to see I wasn’t alone. This is when I started feeling a part of something new — security, family, and friendship. I wanted to be a part of this new community. Pretty soon, I was a regular at the youth group. Pastor Jon welcomed me into the church family. He took it upon himself to mentor me, guide me in the faith, and my healing. At the youth group, I was also introduced to the spiritual practice of journaling which became the primary way that I connect with God.
My church preached against homosexuality and taught me that it was an unforgivable sin. In high school, I was just beginning to take my faith seriously and I was even praying about going to college to study to be a pastor. But I knew that I could never come out as gay, or tell anyone about my sexuality because then I wouldn’t be able to serve in the church. I wrote in my journal about the torment that I was feeling. My journal became the only place where I could express myself and cry out to God. I was taught at church to feel ashamed because of my sexuality and my journal became that place where I could go right to God with prayers about the shame that I was feeling inside. In 2016, my journal cries became public after I came out. I slowly let people into my struggle. After coming out I realized I didn’t have to hide anymore and from that moment on my journaling became less shame-based and more praise-based. My journal is a place where I can get out of my head and bring my thoughts to God. God truly does care about our thoughts and feelings. God does not exist in a galaxy far away. God is fully present and right here amid life. My journaling has helped me to always feel close to our ever-present God.
Journaling is still the primary way that I build a spiritual foundation with God. In my journal, I write my prayers to God and my reflections on scripture. Through journaling, I can have an intimate relationship with God. I believe that God has given me the gift of journaling so that I can share it with parishioners, youth, or others in the hospital who may find it hard to pray in more “traditional” ways. There is more than one way to connect with God. I would love to help others explore intimate ways that work for them to experience God’s abundant love.
For me, it is so important to build a spiritual foundation and practice it. One of the verses that I hold dear to my heart is Isaiah 40:31 which states, “But those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.” My spiritual foundation comes from putting all my trust and hope in the Lord. The times in my life where I have tried to lean on my strength alone I have failed. In college, I relied just on my strength because I believed that to be a “good” Christian I needed to fill my schedule with tasks and ministry. This left me burnt out by the end of college. Ministry became less enjoyable because it consumed my life. Since moving to Florida I have been able to grow from my task-oriented theology to a more spiritual one.
God has used the spiritual foundation that I have built to help me share my faith with others. For example, one weekday, before my shift at Tampa General, I was doing some personal devotion time and reflecting on the prodigal son passage in Luke 15. As I reflected on this passage I was reminded of God’s deep redemptive love for me. I pictured myself as the prodigal son and being embraced by the father as he welcomed me back home. I wrote in my journal that morning about how this story was encouraging me to keep going in ministry because through everything God is always welcoming me back. That afternoon I went to the hospital for my shift. One of my patient visits was with a woman who felt as though she had made so many mistakes with drugs and alcohol and she could never be forgiven by God. She needed encouragement. It was at that moment that I felt God calling me to share the story I had just reflected on a few hours before. I shared with her the story of the prodigal son. After reading the story with the patient I asked her if she saw herself in the story. She responded by saying that she saw herself as the prodigal son. I then asked her how she felt when the father embraced the son even after making his mistakes. She tearfully responded that she didn’t think that type of love ever existed. I then was able to share with her that the story is Jesus illustrating God’s unconditional love, and the Creator is always going to embrace her. This encounter reminded me just how important building a spiritual foundation is for pastoral caregivers because that foundation can help others to build theirs.