Pilgrimage of Faith

The journey of life began for me about 26 miles from Boston in Beverly, Massachusetts. It is a charming small town with a big city personality, where picturesque settings served as the backdrop to richly diverse families, communities, and businesses. It is the place where I was born: the oldest of four children in a very close, tight-knit family. Our parents worked hard to provide us with all of the necessities, such as food, shelter, and clothing. But much of our daytime hours were spent with my grandmother and great grandmother.  Some of my fondest childhood memories arose from time spent with my great grandmother. A wise, faithful, and selfless woman, she was the one who taught me about Jesus and introduced me to the Bible. After the initial introduction, I remember spending many hours just singing hymns with her on her front porch and listening to her impart wisdom about treating others with love and respect. Her unwavering faith, devotion, and strong morality inspired me at a young age and made me want to know Jesus in a more complete and rewarding way. 

My early childhood was like a dream: devoid of the drama and devastation that I witnessed in the lives and families of so many of my friends. My parents were always pleasant to one another in front of my siblings and me. They never seemed to fight and life seemed easy for them. In my mind, they were the perfect couple! But one day, I came home from school and entered the house to find my mom sitting down on the couch, waiting for me. She sat me down next to her and began to explain that she and my dad would no longer be living together. At the time, I was eight and had friends whose parents separated, but I never thought in a million years that something like that could happen to my seemingly perfect family. I was devastated, confused, and angry. How and why was this happening? Before I knew it, our beautiful house in our beautiful town was sold and my mom, siblings, and I relocated to Maine, while my dad remained in Massachusetts. Transitioning to a new school was tough for me. I felt as though I was losing so much. Our perfect family was now divided. The home I had known belonged to another family, my dad was far away, and all my old friends were left behind. I missed those friends dearly, but I also missed my dad. 

A year and a half after the divorce, my mother started dating again and soon met another man whom she would fall madly in love with. After they had been dating for some time, my mom sat me down yet again, but this time it was to explain that she would be marrying this man: Jerry. I did not take the news very well. No way did I want someone trying to replace my father. On top of that, Jerry already had two older daughters and now they would be moving in with us. Jerry and I did not get along at all. I became angry with God, cursing him for this situation and for all that was happening in my life. All I wanted was to have my family back, to be back in Beverly with my siblings and mom and dad, and to be living the perfect, picturesque life I thought we had. Disheartened by the changes, I completely distanced myself from my faith during middle school. I stopped praying. After my great grandmother died, I lost all desire to go to church. My great grandmother was my life and after her death, I found it hard to sing the hymns we used to sing together. I missed her terribly. This pain caused me to run from God during this time in my life. I surrendered to the anger over the loss and became an unpleasant person to be around. I started to steal, disrespected my elders, and resorted to violence when I did not get my way. Instead of opening up and talking about the pain, I buried it. As a result, I felt unloved, lonely, and lost. 

In ninth grade, my mom could see that the depression and anger were taking over, so she pushed me to start attending a youth group at a local church. I did not want to go to church at all, so I resisted. The thought of attending church plagued my mind, on one hand, I had fond memories with my great-grandmother. On the other hand, I lost her, my home, my friends, and my family dynamic shifted making me feel disheartened. One night my mom got me into the car and took me to church. I was angry and nervous that first night, but once I got inside I was greeted by the volunteers and was welcomed as if I were already a part of the family. 

For the first time since I moved to Maine, I was actually in the presence of other teens with whom I felt I could be friends with. I felt welcomed and loved in that space that night. The other teens there were quick to introduce themselves to me and I felt as though I was part of a family. The warm welcome, exposure to others my age I could relate to, and the general sense of relief I started to feel grew once I received the message of God delivered by the youth pastor, Pastor Jon. That night, Pastor Jon spoke about God’s presence during suffering. As Pastor Jon’s words sank in, I realized a connection between his sermon and what I was going through. Words from the Bible, which I shut-out, perfectly articulated and brought to life a perspective I wasn’t able to see. I felt a sense of calmness. The nervousness and unwilling desire to not be at the church started to finally melt away. I was able to see I wasn’t alone. This is when I started feeling a part of something, finding security, family, and creating new friendships. I wanted to be a part of this new community. Pretty soon, I was a regular at the youth group. Pastor Jon welcomed me into the church family. He took it upon himself to mentor me, guide me in the faith, and my healing. As I continued in this faith-based healing, Pastor Jon extended me an invite to an event called the “Super Bowl.” Thinking he was taking me to see my favorite team, The Patriots, defeat the Rams, this Super Bowl was much different.  

The Super Bowl was an all-night event where unsaved teens could go and learn about and hopefully accept Christ into their lives. Even though there was not a football game at this Super Bowl there was however a hockey game. After the game, they had a speaker come and deliver a message. The speaker spoke so beautifully from the book of John. The speaker spoke about how Jesus came to earth to bring love and mercy to everyone. I remember him stating clearly that, “God loves you for who you are and cares about your pain. He wants you to stop running away and come to Him.” I was so deeply moved by his words. It finally clicked in my head at that moment that God was after my heart and He cared about the pain I was going through. At the end of the speaker’s sermon, he invited anyone who felt moved to the center aisle to pray with volunteers who were standing there. It was at this moment that I remember feeling compelled to get up out of my seat. Without a second thought, I found myself walking over to the volunteers and they prayed for me. I felt a calmness and a sense of peace I had not felt in a very long time. At that moment, I was asked if I would like to accept Jesus Christ into my life. I responded with a confident “yes!” I said yes because I was ready to bring all my hurt and pain to God instead of holding it inside. I then repeated their prayer and finally was willing to commit my life to Christ. 

After accepting Jesus into my life, I started to read the Bible regularly and I fell in love with it. In high school, I was taught to read the Bible literally. Unfortunately, that method of study resulted in me falling into the mentality that I need to do good deeds and be good to be loved and accepted by God. I soon found myself obsessed with following the rules of Christianity. I thought that if I strayed from the rules that I would be living a life of sin. My church being a conservative Baptist Church with strong opinions on the interpretations and following of the bible did not help. 

I am very thankful for all that the church did for me growing up, but during that time of my life I was still holding onto a secret: a secret that I knew I could never talk about in youth group as it strayed from the teachings of the church. I struggled in accepting and admitting I was gay. What was worse was this community I began to love couldn’t understand or accept it which made me suppress this side of me further. I felt I couldn’t confide in my community or support system. 

My church preached against homosexuality and taught that it was an unforgivable sin. In high school, I was just beginning to take my faith seriously and I was even praying about going to college to study to be a pastor, but I knew that I could never come out as gay or tell anyone about my sexuality because I wouldn’t be able to serve in the church. At 17, I made a vow to the Lord that I would do everything I could to change my sexuality. The day came to go off to college. Sticking to my vow, I went to a conservative Christian college: Gordon College. Here I was at a time where I should be focused on expanding my experiences and engaging in diversity to further shape the man I wanted to become. Instead, I thought, by attending a conservative Christian College I could remain focused on my faith. This would also help me escape the sinful thoughts and desires I buried deep inside. If I had to choose my sexuality or my faith, I was ready to choose my faith. 

College was truly a transformative experience for me. I met amazing friends, traveled the world, and took classes that made me fall in love with Scripture. At college though, I filled my schedule with so many different ministries that I became too busy to sit with or reflect on all the hurt I was carrying. The distractions helped me delude myself into believing that I had cured myself of my homosexual thoughts and I fully believed that I was on the path that God had laid out for me. During my senior year of college, I knew I wanted to continue to study scripture so I applied to seminary. I was so excited to attend seminary and start my Masters of Divinity program. 

I started at Gordon-Conwell Theological Seminary in a really good place with my faith and I was ready to gain practical experience in ministry. I got hired right away as a youth pastor, while I was in school, which was a great opportunity for me to dive right into ministry, but something else unexpected happened. I met a woman and we started a very great friendship and then suddenly this friendship blossomed into dating. I know what you are thinking, how could you date a woman when you thought you were gay in high school? The short answer was I thought that I had cured myself of my same-sex attraction in college. I fully believed in my head that, because God had called me to be a pastor, I could not be gay. I did not know at the time that I was in complete denial. My relationship with this woman, who was also studying at the seminary, got very serious and we dreamed of doing ministry together someday. By the end of our seminary studies, we were engaged and got married right away. We moved to start working as a ministry team at a church in Bradenton, FL.  

At the time we didn’t realize our marriage was doomed from the start. Shortly after moving, I realized that I hadn’t cured myself of my homosexuality and the burden of living a lie and of not being true to myself or my wife became too much to bear. This time of my life was very emotional for me. I was very depressed. I kept feeling that there was something very off in our marriage. I knew the problem was me. I was struggling with my sexuality. I finally realized that I was still attracted to men and this caused me so much anguish and pain because I didn’t want to hurt the woman I had just married. I didn’t want to hurt or disappoint the church. I was falling apart inside. One day I woke up and knew that I could not hold onto my secret anymore. I confessed to my wife and told her what was going on with me. She was angry, hurt, and upset, but also forgiving. We divorced that year.  

After months of hiding my truth, I decided that it was time to embrace the love of God. I needed to break from this ideology that my true-self was inherently bad. After much thought and prayer, I came out to my pastor. When I told her that I was gay, I was hoping in the back of my mind that she would accept me and support me in my journey, but instead of love and acceptance, I received judgment and shame. This was a huge test of my faith. This person I admired and was looking to as a mentor, disapproved. Her disapproval was painful. I was thrown out of the church and wanted nothing more than to run away and hide. I hate to admit it, but the pain gave way to anger: anger with the church, my former pastor, and even God. I knew that God had called me to ministry, but this setback felt unfair. It felt as though this gift of ministry that I had been given was taken away after I revealed my secret-my truth. I had stepped out of the closet but felt as though I needed to pack up my faith and leave it behind while I figured out what being Gay and Christian meant. 

After a few months of mourning, I found myself opening my Bible again. I decided to turn to the Gospels and what I found was that Jesus came to earth not to judge or throw people out of the church. Jesus came to this earth to seek and to save the lost. Suddenly, as if my prayer was answered, things just started to click. What had happened to me was not the actions of God. The actions of my former church did not match the actions or message of Jesus. It was at that very moment that I was inspired by God to go back into ministry. I knew I wanted to help people feel the complete and total love of Christ, including those who had been hurt by the church in the past. I knew in my heart that all are welcome in the Kingdom of the Lord! 

In early 2017, I moved to Saint Petersburg, Florida. This was my fresh start. I accepted myself and I welcomed Christ back into my life. Once I got settled in I realized another hurdle was in my way- coming out to my family. I wanted them to know the real reason for the divorce, but I also wanted them to know the real me. As hard as reconciling my faith and my sexuality was and as daunting of a task as it seemed, the love and support I received from my family gave me faith that everything was going to be okay. I never believed they would stop loving me when I came out, the only reason I feared admitting that I was gay was that I was afraid of the church’s response. When I came to Saint Pete, I started to attend more progressive churches. For the first time in my life, I was hearing that it was okay to be gay and be a Christian. The message that these two things were not mutually exclusive was refreshing. I leaned into my faith, trusted in the Lord, and ended up attending a small United Church of Christ church in Dunedin, which ended up becoming my home church. Worshipping at Faith United Church of Christ has been a complete blessing. At this church, I have been able to come to terms with my sexuality and faith. This faith community has helped me realize that I can be gay and be a pastor. In addition to showing me the love of Jesus and the power of a life-giving church, this community of faith has also encouraged me to surrender to my calling and pursue ordination with the United Church of Christ. I know God wants me to be a pastor and I am so excited to face the challenges, experiences, and growth that await me as I move forward in this journey. 

Today I would say my faith is thriving. I am so full of joy and hope for my future. I know God has amazing plans ahead for me and I am so very thankful to have a church community that loves and supports me. Faith United Church of Christ has become my family. This church has restored my faith and has played a vital role in my development. When I told the church my story during my sermon covering Luke 19: 1-10 on Palm Sunday, they comforted me with love and encouragement. Moved by the message, so many shared their struggles reconciling their circumstances and faith after the service. This community and family have been a source of strength and life for me and it is this community that is supporting me in becoming ordained in the denomination. 

My faith today is also thriving because of the wonderful friendships I have been able to make this year. I am so thankful for my best friends: Dan, Brandon, and Don. These three individuals have encouraged me to pursue my calling, have allowed me to be myself, and have helped confirm that being gay and a Christian are not mutually exclusive. Lastly, my mother has been a huge influence on my faith during this time of my life. She has always been my biggest cheerleader and supporter. She has been a huge source of encouragement to me, especially during the most difficult and trying times. She has remained by my side. Whenever I stumble, she is right there by my side reminding me of God’s love and assuring me that everything will work out. 

As a young child, my great grandmother used to always say to me, “It’s a great life when you don’t weaken, Brian.” There have been many moments when I have felt weak and have wanted to give up in my life, but the Lord has given me the strength to pull through. I am grateful that the Lord has called me into the ministry, where I desire to help others who feel lost, broken, and alone find the love, grace, and acceptance that Jesus provides. My life’s mission is to help anyone who feels left out or forgotten discover that they are loved, accepted, and welcomed in the kingdom of God. I am grateful for my life and my trials and tribulations. Through pain and discomfort, we are strengthened and it is that strength that excites me and fuels me to push forward, knowing and trusting that the Lord is in control.